He / she/ they ?

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Dear David,

We just had our 20-week ultrasound and we told the radiologist we didn’t want to know Ravi’s sex. It doesn’t matter to us and it doesn’t change how we will treat Ravi. In the outside world we often get the question if we will be having a boy or a girl. People want to know if they have to buy a pink or blue toy and if we will have a pretty girl or a tough boy. All these stereotypes that are put on our baby, feel uncomfortable. Our child is allowed to wear pink and blue, purple and green, tutu’s and pants, boots and heels, nail polish or no nail polish, play with cars and dolls, be tough and cry, and do everything that fits Ravi no matter what is in their pants. I say they and their because I want to refer to Ravi in neutral terms until they can tell us otherwise. For every child their parent(s) make the choice to gender them. Most go for he/him or she/her based on their genitals. I like to go for they/them no matter the sex because no one knows beforehand how this child will develop and what gender they will have. For me it is important that other people don’t put their expectations on Ravi, expectations of what they will wear, which toys or other kids they will play with or what and who they will love. I like to keep everything open. I’d like to keep things open for a bit.. Though I am very curious how the world will react to our gender free or gender inclusive approach. Will people who think Ravi is a boy say he is tough and people who think Ravi is a girl say she is pretty? Will people be offended or angry when we tell them that we had our baby and chose not to label them boy or girl yet? When will Ravi be able to tell us what their preferences are?

I really like to raise Ravi as inclusive as possible in regards to gender and make no assumptions. How do you want to raise Ravi? How do you think the outside world will react?

Best, Ryan

Dear Ryan,

I find this topic complicated to write about. We have had many conversations about it. For me it is a process that’s still going. I can’t fully imagine how life will be after Ravi is born. My own reference is my own youth and we want to do things differently.

At this moment I am convinced that it is good to let Ravi explore who they are. Since our life together I have noticed the importance of not getting your gender identity pushed upon you by society.

At the same time i can only look back at my youth. I am a cis man and was raised with the self-evidence that there are men and women. As a child I understood the world because of the clarity that was created: a chair is a chair and it looks a certain way; it was the same with gender. This reference was clear and safe. I did always dislike what you had to uphold as a boy or a man. After physical education a few strong boys were asked to move furniture. This always felt uncomfortable to me as a child. The rest of my youth I have felt uncomfortable with what you had to be like as a man. I really dislike this! I would want for Ravi to have the freedom to be who they are without the outside world pushing their norms.

At this moment we are preparing for the first weeks after Ravi is born. How do we want to live during our first period together? This is a nice question to answer. We talk about this with family, friends and medical staff like the maternity nurse or doula. I am trying out how it feels to tell them that it doesn’t matter to us whether Ravi has a vulva or penis, and that we will refer to Ravi with they/them pronouns. All medical staff reacted positively. They tell us that it is our choice and that they will move with us. My mother found it a little confusing but also said it is my baby and it is our choice. I notice that it feels good every time that I defend our vision.

But sometimes I panic and am scared that we won’t give Ravi enough certainties at the start of their life. I’m also scared that when I know whether Ravi has a vulva or penis I will refer to them as he or she by accident.

Don’t you ever doubt our choices, especially when people around us don’t like what we do? What do you think will help me to get rid of these doubts?

David

Dear David,

Our child will grow up in a he-versus-she-society and will always be part of that. They will always be affected by the surrounding world. Ravi will therefore of course learn what is expected of girls and boys. But we can give a safe home base with a lot of freedom to discover who they are without having categories as the central point. Our child will probably notice soon enough what fits best: he/she or they. I know from other parents that this often comes around the age of 3 or 4 years.

Dear David,

I am convinced that we are choosing the right path for Ravi. I do doubt whether I will give up halfway because of the reaction of the outside world. Tired of fighting against a world that obsessively genders everything. I think there will always be doubts, also about if your child plays too many games or how much they sleep or how many friends they have or which sport they play. But I feel stronger because of how you act with the maternity nurse and how you tell them what pronouns we will be using for Ravi. We are doing this together and it feels better every day.